I'm back

Sigh, I always start blogging with the best of intentions...

Oh well, spilled milk and all that.  I'm one day short of 18 weeks now with Pickle.  That's going by the date from my first ultrasound at 7w1d.  Things have been pretty good so far except for a few days of spotting after overworking myself up at Yellowhead.  Whoops.  A very scared trip to the hospital in Edson and a couple nerve-wracking nights before my own doctor told me I was just fine and that spotting isn't really something to stress about too much (especially when it happens after one has been out stripping vegetation and carrying buckets that on reflection, were probably too heavy).  A second ultrasound (and no follow-up calls for further "discussion") pretty much calmed things down.  I don't think Pickle was actually aware of how much drama they were creating (although to be fair, the blood wasn't coming from anywhere near the baby- it was solely a mommy-related issue).  Baby's heartrate was great both times it was checked and wiggly baby is getting more noticeable every day it seems.

Plus, baby is measuring a wee bit big even for my earlier dates.  As of last Thursday the baby weighed about 8 or 9 ounces and was measuring in around 18 weeks (when the dates were 17w1d or 16w5d depending on how you want to let that one work out).  Could I possibly be a bit farther along than I thought?  Or am I just going to have a Paul Bunyan-sized baby?  (Thanks Amber and Mom for that cheery thought).

The cat is slowly creeping out of the bag

We finally told my parents last night and Nick's parents on Friday.  Both were pretty fun to tell.  Nick's mom insisted that she already knew since I'd been exhausted and sleeping on their couch and apparently making enough trips to the bathroom to make her suspicious on recent visits.  My parents were pretty stunned.  Happy of course, but still a little shell-shocked. 

Now I'm starting to think about who to tell and how in the next few weeks.  I still have a little bit of nervousness about telling all and yonder while I'm still in my first trimester but the ultrasound and checking the baby's heartrate have made me feel a bit more relaxed.  I think that work is the next group on the agenda to be let in on the secret since it will probably impact my office whether I intend for it to or not.  So that's probably going to be today or tomorrow.

All I want to is get the information out to the people I want in the order that I want rather than having my Grandma find out about her new "great-ness" on Facebook!  

All's Well

Everything is fine! Yay! They're not sure what was causing the wicked cramps but it seems to be getting chalked up as just "one of those things".  The ultrasound went great- external couldn't see much except for the gestational sac but the internal scan definitely showed a baby and heartbeat!  Heart is 144 bpm and the size shows that I'm about 7 weeks (within a day or so of what I figured).  Everything is just awesome!  And now I'm off to have a nap - morning sickness finally kicked in today and I need some more sleep!

Taking a Peek Tomorrow

So, I'm going for an early ultrasound tomorrow.  Just to make sure everything is still proceeding according to plan.  I had a couple rounds with wicked cramps yesterday and the night before so just checking up.  And by wicked I mean eeevviillll! As in bringing tears to your eyes, losing your ability to speak, cold sweats, and a desperate feeling of wanting to throw up.  Nasty stuff.

The doc checked me out today and said that as long as I'm not bleeding (which I'm not) then it should still be ok but they're going to do the ultrasound to make sure I'm not on the road to a miscarriage and that the baby is developing on schedule.  I'm kind of excited to see how it goes.  The reassurance from the doctor made me feel a lot better but I'd rather know if there is a problem than be in the dark.  Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

How pregnant am I?

The spotting stopped and I still feel kind of queasy and my boobs still hurt.  Everything is likely as it should be.

I can't help worrying though.  Apparently worry beats out morning sickness for the most common pregnancy symptom of all.  And don't google it.  I tried that and now I have a boatload of tragic stories about miscarriages and unfortunate outcomes.  Its like looking at a psychiatric dictionary and just for fun trying to see how many serious disorders you have the markers for.  I don't have a doctor's appointment for another month but I want to call and get my hcg levels tested or have an early ultrasound or something just to prove that the baby is fine dammit!  And can you check it again next week please?  They're gonna hate me :-)

Again, I wish I had a midwife.  I got another "sorry we're totally booked but we'll put you on our waitlist" email yesterday.  I was totally expecting it at this point, but it still bummed me out a little.  I still am amazed at how fast they must have booked up.  I tested on the day I was due to start my period and then started sending out messages to all of the local midwives.  All booked already for December.  HOW?? How could people know earlier than that? *le sigh*

But at least I have a kick ass doula (who also doesn't know I'm pregnant yet since she's on a cruise until this weekend).  One of my closest friends has been a doula for years and I've always made her promise that whenever I got pregnant I would be able to hire her.  At least I'll have one person in my corner who knows what they're doing! (Hubby and I are both completely clueless at the moment).

I think part of my problem is that I don't feel pregnant enough.  I want to suffer more dammit! I want to be running to pee every 10 minutes and fending off waves of nausea in between!  I want the breasts of the 50 foot woman (scary note here: since I was a 34E before getting pregnant and they have already gotten bigger, I'm not far off this one)!  I want to be a weepy emotional wreck!  They promised all of these incredibly dramatic pregnancy symptoms and I want my nickel's worth!

When I think about it rationally though, I do have almost every one of the symptoms that I'm likely to get:

Bigger breasts? That hurt? -check
Mild cramping and occasional light spotting? - check
Constant feeling of queasiness? - check (but no real nausea and no vomiting)
Exhausted all-the-time? - check
Emotional rollercoaster? - check  *I'm sure my husband would like to add an extra giant checkmark here.  Or to highlight it and circle in red pen.  Or surround it with flashing neon lights.

What else do I want from my body right now?  No idea.  Just some kind of definite indication that everything is proceeding as planned and on schedule.  No idea what that might be beyond all of the above but that flashing neon sign might be a good place to start...

How to Freak Out a Pregnant Woman

Scared yet? I am.

I noticed a tiny bit of spotting last night after dance practice.  Tiny bit.  I spotted a bit a few weeks ago but again, just a tiny bit.  Again this morning.  Just a little, but maybe a tiny bit more than the tiny bit last night? Or maybe that's just my brain freaking out.  My doctor said at visit #1 two weeks ago that a tiny bit of spotting was ok and nothing to freak out about.  That's why I don't really like my doctor that much (that and he read the obstetrical chart wrong and gave me the wrong due date at first - that's another story for another time). 

I'm trying to convince myself that everything is just fine.  I've always been an irregular spotter between cycles so maybe its just my default setting.  I think the term is friable cervix, a name that honestly makes me think of Silence of the Lambs and then I wanna wretch.  Basically it means that it bleeds easy.  My doctor's words were that my cervix is "very vascular". 

I don't really know exactly what to do.  God I wish I had a midwife.  At least in my head I envision being able to call a midwife and ask her these little nagging questions but calling my doctor means explaining myself to his receptionist and then making an appointment and going in at his earliest convenience.  The midwife situation here sucks.  I've inquired at every midwife in the area and they are all completely booked for December already.  I was barely 4 weeks pregnant when I sent these inquiries.  How the hell could they have booked up already? How could people know they were pregnant any sooner than that??  Sigh.  I digress.

I suppose I'll just go into work and wait breathlessly for the next time I have to pee.  Please, please, please let everything be ok.

I've got a secret...

We've been keeping it secret so far.  I've told my husband (obviously) and we were going to keep it between just us for a little while longer.  Then we decided that I needed to tell my best friend (who also happens to be my regular dance partner) since we have a show in two weeks and I can't get my swollen boobs into my old costume already.  She needed to know why.  Also why I need to sit down every 10 minutes during rehearsal (I can't believe how quickly I get tired now!!).

So, keeping it mum for now.  We have fun plans of telling our parents on Mother's Day (Yay Grandma!) but keeping it quiet for another 2 1/2 weeks just might kill me.  I'm sure that the girl at the next desk over in the lab already suspects something is up (or it could just be in my head).  I've had a sore back (I put it out during rehearsal last week) and everyone keeps telling me to take some really wicked muscle relaxants.  Or have a stiff drink and relax.  Or just keep downing ibuprofen.  None of which are an option right now and I'm getting really creative with excuses about why I haven't picked up drugs A, B or C and no I just don't feel like having a glass of wine right now (even though I have a glass of wine every time I visit).  Its kind of fun but also kind of tiring (everything is tiring right now).  I'll be happy when everyone knows I'm pregnant and they stop asking me to ingest things that I can't have right now.

Of course then they'll be constantly harping about the things I am ingesting that I really shouldn't be...  Maybe I can keep it secret for a little longer...