How pregnant am I?

The spotting stopped and I still feel kind of queasy and my boobs still hurt.  Everything is likely as it should be.

I can't help worrying though.  Apparently worry beats out morning sickness for the most common pregnancy symptom of all.  And don't google it.  I tried that and now I have a boatload of tragic stories about miscarriages and unfortunate outcomes.  Its like looking at a psychiatric dictionary and just for fun trying to see how many serious disorders you have the markers for.  I don't have a doctor's appointment for another month but I want to call and get my hcg levels tested or have an early ultrasound or something just to prove that the baby is fine dammit!  And can you check it again next week please?  They're gonna hate me :-)

Again, I wish I had a midwife.  I got another "sorry we're totally booked but we'll put you on our waitlist" email yesterday.  I was totally expecting it at this point, but it still bummed me out a little.  I still am amazed at how fast they must have booked up.  I tested on the day I was due to start my period and then started sending out messages to all of the local midwives.  All booked already for December.  HOW?? How could people know earlier than that? *le sigh*

But at least I have a kick ass doula (who also doesn't know I'm pregnant yet since she's on a cruise until this weekend).  One of my closest friends has been a doula for years and I've always made her promise that whenever I got pregnant I would be able to hire her.  At least I'll have one person in my corner who knows what they're doing! (Hubby and I are both completely clueless at the moment).

I think part of my problem is that I don't feel pregnant enough.  I want to suffer more dammit! I want to be running to pee every 10 minutes and fending off waves of nausea in between!  I want the breasts of the 50 foot woman (scary note here: since I was a 34E before getting pregnant and they have already gotten bigger, I'm not far off this one)!  I want to be a weepy emotional wreck!  They promised all of these incredibly dramatic pregnancy symptoms and I want my nickel's worth!

When I think about it rationally though, I do have almost every one of the symptoms that I'm likely to get:

Bigger breasts? That hurt? -check
Mild cramping and occasional light spotting? - check
Constant feeling of queasiness? - check (but no real nausea and no vomiting)
Exhausted all-the-time? - check
Emotional rollercoaster? - check  *I'm sure my husband would like to add an extra giant checkmark here.  Or to highlight it and circle in red pen.  Or surround it with flashing neon lights.

What else do I want from my body right now?  No idea.  Just some kind of definite indication that everything is proceeding as planned and on schedule.  No idea what that might be beyond all of the above but that flashing neon sign might be a good place to start...

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